A Month Of Thanks!

Ok, so consistency is NOT my strong suit.  Posting on this blog is something I'm excited about, but not something I've worked into my routine yet.  However, I am thrilled about a challenge from my dear friend Lisa over at the Big Yellow Ric Rac shack, to post a daily reason to be thankful.  Oh yeah, I can do that!  My struggle this morning is trying to figure out which of God's many blessings to pick first!  It shouldn't be so tough, except that somehow I keep getting tripped up by this idea that choosing what order to post is somehow ranking my appreciation for these blessings, so I need to start with something really good!  I am now officially declaring that idea ridiculous, and any perceived order of importance that may appear as I'm posting should be understood to be unintentional.  There, that's my disclaimer, now on to the point!

My daughters are the blessing I'm feeling grateful for this morning.  For the purposes of privacy, I'm naming them Tinkerbell and Princess for the remainder of this blog.  Those of you who know my children personally should be able to tell which is which pretty quickly.  Those of you who don't, well, let me introduce you to my girls!  Today I'm going to focus on Tinkerbell, our oldest.

Tinkerbell was two months old the day she arrived in our family.  We had applied to become foster parents two months earlier, and the wait had seemed endless!  Finally, one day early in June of 2007, we got a call that there was a baby girl who needed to move from her current foster home, which specialized in caring for medically fragile infants, to make room for a baby who needed that extra medical attention.  I called Robert and asked him something brilliant like "Do you want to become a daddy today?", and when he got home from work, we drove over to pick her up from the previous foster home.  I remember that drive was so unreal, to be calmly doing something so normal that was about to turn our world upside down!  We talked about the questions we had...we had been told very little about her except that she seemed to be healthy, so were curious what her nationality would be, what color hair and eyes, what her personality was like.  We walked into the house and the foster mom pointed us to a bassinett in the corner, where we saw this tiny little pink angel.  Instantly Robert and I looked at each other and said "She has red hair!"  (Robert is also a redhead, so this was a special little surprise!)  I remember staring at her until the foster mom told me I could pick her up, she was mine, and I had an emotional double take as I realized not only could I hold her, I was going to get to take her home!  Here's a few shots of her first days with us:

 

Adorable, right?  So one of the things everyone tries to prepare you for when you begin doing foster care, is the issue of attachment and bonding.  You're supposed to allow the child to bond with you, for the sake of their mental health as they grow older, but not get too attached because their time with you is supposed to be temporary.  Let me tell you, nothing could have prepared us for how attached we became to this baby girl from the moment we laid eyes on her.  My gut told me from the second I saw her that she was mine forever, not just for a little while!  Except for a few things like caseworker home visits and occasional visitation with her "first mommy", as we call her birth mom, we forgot most of the time that we were foster parents...we were just parents!  Each time Tinkerbell went to visit her first mommy, I tucked a letter with updates and some pictures into the diaper bag, so that she could see how loved and cared for her daughter was, but other than that, most of the time I forgot that Tinkerbell wasn't my own daughter.

When Tinkerbell was six months old, we were told that her first mommy was doing well enough that the state was going to return Tinkerbell to her, in 90 days.  It was devastating news, but we experienced tremendous growth in our faith in God during those months.  I remember crying myself to sleep some nights, worrying that she would feel abandoned by us, the only parents she was old enough to remember.  We prayed a lot, and God reminded us of what He had told us when we first had doubts about fostering:  No parent, whether biological, foster, or adoptive, has a guarantee of how long they will be a parent.  The only one who knows that is God.  Parenting isn't a lifelong condition.  It's temporary for everyone!  Some parents are blessed with pregnancy, only to have a stillborn child, or lose their child in a tragic illness or accident.  Sometimes it's the parent who dies before their children are raised.  Many parents, it's true, are blessed with many, many years with their kids.  No one knows how long the parenting role will last, except God.  But the role of all parents is the same:  to love their children, to teach them about God and His love for them, and to train and prepare them for the next step in their lives, whether that step is kindergarten, college, a job, marriage, or in our case, moving to an unfamiliar home with someone who was a stranger to her.  We realized that our role wasn't really different than any other parent's...we were being asked to love Tinkerbell, and prepare her for what was coming next, whether that was to be with us or not.

Amazingly, (or as I've come to realize, typically), we saw God reward our faith.  Three days before Christmas, and less than a month from when we expected to have to return Tinkerbell to her first mommy, we got an early Christmas present.  Her caseworker called us and said that her first mommy wanted to relinquish her rights to Tinkerbell, so that we could adopt her.  It seemed that we had made a connection through letters and pictures that had shown her that she could trust us with her daughter, and she felt that she would be more successful with her recovery if she did it without the additional stresses of parenting.  We held a miracle in our arms, and cried and cried with joy.  It took a long time to get that adoption finalized, but we'll be celebrating the second anniversary of her adoption this month.

  

This is my favorite picture of Tinkerbell, ever!  It's just so her.

Tinkerbell is four and a half now, and if we could just capture her energy, we wouldn't have to pay for electricity!  She is an amazing big sister and a great friend...her latest thing is to color stacks of pictures for her friends and put them into those pesky "no postage necessary" envelopes that come with junk mail, to give her friends.  She has a highly developed sense of justice and if Mommy messes up, she's the one to call me on it.  She's on the move from the moment she wakes up, and I've learned to treasure her hugs and kisses because although they are rare, I know when she gives me one it is truly from her heart.  She's a bit of a warrior, and we're praying that God will use her strength to fight for what is right and good and noble.  Here are a few more fun Tinkerbell pictures from the last year or so:

First day of school, last year

Snow White for Halloween last year

Where's that helmet, Tinkerbell??

I could go on all day, but the point is, I'm so thankful for my Tinkerbell, and I can't wait to see what God does with her life. One thing is for sure, it won't be dull! 

I got lost!! But I'm back.

I have often thought, over the past four years, that I should write a blog. I've got things to say, funny moments to share, lessons I've learned. I read other blogs, and enjoy them, and have wished to "join the crowd." But, (and this is a little bit embarassing!), I didn't start one because I knew I already HAD started one, but I couldn't remember how to get to it!! My one, and only, post was written very late one night, and I couldn't remember later what I called it, or my password, or anything. So imagine my surprise, just a few moments ago, when I accidentally came across that old post! Haha, I'm back!!

I just spent a few minutes reading that first post, and laughing at myself. How little did I know that all I had been waiting for was right around the corner...and it would be more wonderful and more difficult than I had ever imagined!! I had no idea that my first beautiful, amazing, smart and often mischievous daughter was actually already a few weeks old, and that in less than two months, she would be in my arms. Or that by Christmas, we'd be joined by a second beautiful, amazing, smart, and often mischievous daughter, less than a month younger than the first. I was given the gift of motherhood, twice, in less than a year. And now this year we have added an adorable, amazing, sweet and silly baby boy to complete our family.

I didn't know how much my faith needed to grow, or that God would build our family by weaving all of our worry, pain, loss, panic, fear, doubt, anger, frustration, along with lots and lots of prayer, trust, more prayer, comfort, and hope, into this incredibly beautiful tapestry that is now such a testimony of who He is and how much He knows our needs and has a plan for our lives. I didn't know...but God did.

I've been a mommy for four years, and have, in the past year, gone from two children to five, to four, to three, to four, and back to three, which is where we're praying it will stay. We feel that our family is complete, although as foster parents having not yet been told if we can adopt our son (we've already adopted the girls!), we're aware that God may give us another opportunity to choose to trust that He knows better than we do, and build our faith through loss. Likewise, He could change our hearts and ask us to bring future children into our home. I am learning to live in the now, and trust that the future is in His hands.

Not all of my posts will be this serious...I expect to post many funny mommy moments, along with other subjects such as homeschooling, healthy cooking, money saving strategies, and so on. Regular moments in the life of a stay at home mommy. But I couldn't start without a look back at how far we've come in these four years. Reading my first post is like reading the journal of a young girl...and realizing that I've grown up. Well...at least in some areas. I still have a load of dishes in my sink.

Unemployed, overjoyed?

Somehow, I thought this would feel different. Today was officially my second day of my new career as a stay-at-home "mom". Trouble is, I got a little ahead of myself, and I'm not a mom yet. All my years of working, and especially the past couple when I've been married, I've looked forward to that SOMEDAY moment when I would be able to quit my job and stay home. I've longed for it, begged for it, planned for it. And got my way. (I usually do.) I thought of all the wonderful things I could accomplish if only I didn't have the drain of time and energy that was my job.

Yeah. So today, I slept in until nine, raced around to get myself together and get to the foster care office to be fingerprinted, dropped a couple checks off at the bank, and by 10:30, I was back home. The day stretched before me like the first page of a new journal...full of possibilities. What did I do? Well, I'd like to say I maximized my newfound freedom by attacking the weekend's worth of dirty dishes and laundry that screamed at me from the moment I walked in the door, or maybe went for a walk in the gorgeous Oregon sunshine (the payoff for all that yucky rain the other half of the year is PERFECT springs and summers), relaxed with a good book or craft during the afternoon, and topped it all of by having at least an IDEA of what to make for dinner by the time my hubby Robert got home. That's what I'd like to say.

In reality, I did nothing. I read email, played mindless computer games, watched afternoon TV (I just turned it on for a little background noise, of course! Not because I'm addicted or anything.) Then I felt a little tired and was considering a nap when I realized it was already 4:30 and Robert would be home in half an hour! That led to some halfhearted swishing of the living room clutter so it would look like I accomplished at least something with my day. (I don't think he was convinced.) A quick dinner in front of the TV turned into me watching while Robert read a book...until he yawned and said it was time for bed. "Before or after?" I said. "Huh? Before or after what?" "Before or after spending some time with me...or was that instead of?" He laughed...but apparently it was instead of, because he's sleeping and I'm moping. I know that it's going to be an adjustment, and that this was my idea, and that it will get easier once we get our first baby...hopefully soon! But for tonight, I'm a mommy-to-be in need of some serious motivating and a purpose to wake up for tomorrow.